He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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