Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
