I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
