Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
