dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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