Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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