Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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