Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm getting married
To pizza
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
