i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
