I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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