Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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