i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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