Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
