I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
