STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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