he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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