I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
