I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
