so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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