i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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