I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
