New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
