u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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