Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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