I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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