Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
