So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
