Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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