Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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