it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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