mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
