wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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