sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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