Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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