Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
