Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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