i permit you to call me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
