It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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