Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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