I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
