Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
