Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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