So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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