Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
