He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
