She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
