Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
