Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
