just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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