I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
