I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
