If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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