flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
