I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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