Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
