i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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